Angry with Self
I so sorry to hear that you are in pain and that you are angry with yourself.
At a time like this you need to take inventory of you. Answer these questions:
Lord, I lay any sin or wrongdoing down at your feet, please forgive me. Lord, also, give me the strength to forgive myself. I am willing to forgive myself, help me to let go.
Then whatever you'd like to change about yourself, work toward changing. Whatever you have to accept -- appearance. bank balance, grumpy boss, overweight spouse, irritable children... etc., ask for strength to accept.
God promises that all things work for the good of those who love Him, and I believe that applies even to things we can't change. For example, I cannot change my daughter's disabilities. However, God has shown me that He had given my disabled child a joyful spirit. I have learned to be proud of her for who she is and stop fretting about who she's not.
You need to do the same thing for you. There are some things you can change. For example, if you drink too much, you can join Alcoholics Anonymous and get help. If you're forty pounds overweight, you can change the way you eat and add exercise to your life. If you have affairs outside of marriage, you can stop. Do what you can -- but do it through God's strength.
You know, I think you are a wonderful person. I KNOW how much God loves you -- so much that He sent His son to die in your place. You are going to make it. Just ask God to direct your path. One day, this dark time will be behind you. You will dance in the light!
P.S. If you are at risk to harm yourself, please go to the hospital, call 911, or call
overweight spouse -- It is God's plan that we keep the spouse we married. However, there are circumstances when we need to practice tough love -- if you spouse is cheating or you, then your spouse is putting you at risk for venereal disease. You may need to separate from your spouse. If your spouse is verbally or physically battering you, then you may need to get to a safe place. However, if you spouse is just plain boring, then you need to work at putting some life back into you, and into your marriage. God's blessings!
More Thoughts: Do you go to church anywhere? If not, find a church. Talk to the pastor and tell him how you are feeling. But most of all, keep doing the next thing. I'm not promising that you will not have losses, but keep praying, seeking God, and His direction. Keep your head high in this storm and one day, it will pass. The sun will shine again. And this dark period of your life will be behind you. There is hope Jeremiah 29: 11 - 13 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,...plans to give you hope and a future.... You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
You are going to make it. I'm praying for you. God is going to see you through this dear one. Please, please do not do anything to hurt yourself. Wait on God. In the meantime, if thoughts of suicide get too heavy, go to the hospital or call 911. Call your doctor as well.
To read my story, click here.
Here's what I recommend to you:
Don't do anything to harm yourself. You are so loved. Please give your situation time, please allow God time to move. He may be waiting for you to give in to Him, to say, God I will trust you, no matter what. Try trusting God and see what will happen.
Also, please go in for a medical checkup and tell your doctor about how you feel emotionally. Your doctor may have medications that can help you get over this 'bump' in the road.
Also, I highly recommend counseling. You may find a pastor in your church or other local church or some other professional who will understand and help you with your struggles.
WE ARE PRAYING FOR YOU!