I'm so sorry to hear of your heartache. First, I want you to know that God loves you very much and that He has a special plan for your life. That plan does not include you carrying your heartache all by yourself.
It says in Peter that we are to 'cast our burdens on the Lord.'
What does that mean exactly? It means you need to find a quiet place and start to tell God how you feel. Then, one by one, you need to give your burdens to Him. Say -- for example --
List everything, every burden you can think of, then give it to God.
Then, thank God for freeing you- even if you don't yet feel the freedom. In that case, thank God in faith.
Do this EVERY DAY, EVERY TIME you start to feel overwhelmed.
Next, you need to tell the enemy to bug off. Yes, Satan is real, and he would love nothing better than to see you tied down with burdens. When you are 'tied down' like that, it's the same as if you were 'tied up.' You cannot be the person God wants you to be, you cannot do the purposes God has for you to do. You are in bondage to the lies and the fear that the enemy is putting upon you.
You need to say this everyday and everytime you begin to realize that fear and depression is being whispered into your ear. If you don't act on what you now know to do, fear and depression my lodge in your heart. Don't let it. Start to pray. Next, give your whole life to God. All of it. Pray this:
You may need to pray this every day.
You may also want to call the phone number below and talk to someone. But I believe God is going to heal you of your depression. It may happen instantly, or it may happen gradually, but it will happen.
Start thanking God for what He is doing. Listen to praise music or Christian radio -- and your spirits will begin to lift.
Do you go to church anywhere? If not, find a church. Talk to the pastor and tell him how you are feeling. But most of all, keep doing the next thing. I'm not promising that you will not have losses, but keep praying, seeking God, and His direction. Keep your head high in this storm and one day, it will pass. The sun will shine again. And this dark period of your life will be behind you. There is hope Jeremiah 29: 11 - 13 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,...plans to give you hope and a future.... You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
You are going to make it. I'm praying for you. God is going to see you through this dear one. Please, please do not do anything to hurt yourself. Wait on God. In the meantime, if thoughts of suicide get too heavy, go to the hospital or call 911. Call your doctor as well.
Here's what I recommend to you:
Don't do anything to harm yourself. You are so loved. Please give your situation time, please allow God time to move. He may be waiting for you to give in to Him, to say, God I will trust you, no matter what. Try trusting God and see what will happen.
Also, please go in for a medical checkup and tell your doctor about how you feel emotionally. Your doctor may have medications that can help you get over this 'bump' in the road.
Also, I highly recommend counseling. You may find a pastor in your church or other local church or some other professional who will understand and help you with your struggles.
WE ARE PRAYING FOR YOU!